I never expected meeting you… let alone falling for you. Never saw it coming and would probably laugh if anyone told me what happened this past year would actually happen to me. I got on the greatest and maybe easily worst ride with you.
Our connection and “relationship” runs so deep. Complex, layered, something I can barely explain to my friends when they ask me about you. If someone had to ask me “what is going on?”, I honestly would not have a simple answer. There is no simple answer. There is nothing going on in… but there is everything going on. You walked into my life at such an unexpected time and continued to stay through the worst of it all.
Boy, I fell for you hard and fast. Even when I tried to deny it, I quickly realized that this feeling would not fade away. I have never felt more free, comfortable, and truly myself with anyone before you. You push my boundaries, drive me to grow, and continuously motivate me to become a better version of myself. You make me feel like I’m on cloud nine, constantly laughing and smiling from ear to ear. We can sit in silence and listen to ourselves breathe just to escape reality for a moment, but we can also scream our favourite lyrics at the top of our lungs at a concert. You bring the best out of me…but with all these highs, you have give me the lowest of lows.
Being my best friend doesn’t come easy. I will admit I am a difficult person, but when I love I will truly give you my everything. My love, comfort, trust… I will give you all of it without you asking for anything in return. I have a difficult time setting boundaries and protecting myself. You have ripped my heart out, stomped on it, put it back in place, and the cycle continued time and time again. It was unfair but still I stood by your side through it all. Although you have changed, I commend that all to myself. I make you a better person and it’s in my nature to try to fix you, even though I know I can’t.
You told me you didn’t deserve me, and you’re right. You told me you loved me but I just don’t believe it. You don’t want a relationship but you want all the benefits of one from me. Physically, emotionally, sexually… you want all of it and I continue to give you everything. Tell me why I simply can’t tell you my ex and I are in a better place, or that I might go on a date next week. The fear of you pulling away from me or acting different with your guard me pushes me to not fully tell you these things. But what exactly am I holding onto?
“We’re not dating”. A statement that triggers heartache. We will never be together. You have made that clear time and time again. Whether that meant seeing another girl and making out with her in front of me, making out with my close friend, or even getting angry at me for not telling you about the dates I’ve been on. It’s fucking toxic. You and I are toxic for each other, but it’s the type of poison that I keep coming back for. Your touch is electric, the time we spend together is irreplaceable, and I’m always wary that it’s getting too good. You are just a fantasy. I have played you up in my head and I know I’m only holding onto the idea of you.
You will never choose me… I need to accept that. I want you in my life forever but I can’t continue to feel used, hurt, and stupid. For the most part I am content and happy with where I am right now, but the little things take me back a step to make me realize that I continuously put others before myself. I want to be your rock… your everything. But I have given every inch of my heart to you, and you don’t know how grateful you should be. How am I supposed to be by your side and continue to feel this way? I want you and I don’t all at the same time. I don’t want to lose you but I feel like losing you is the best thing for me. I don’t want to experience this heart break but I’m so scared that it will come and I won’t be ready for it. As much as I tell myself and my friends that we are just best friends, we aren’t going to date, there’s no rush, I know deep down it’s never going to happen. And as much as I am okay with that, I know I will never be ready for you to move on.
We are everything but we are nothing. You’ve taken me to the highest of highs but I felt the ground so much harder when I fell. You pick me up and I’m terrified I will fall again. I want to live my life authentically and completely myself, and you will either stand by me or walk away. I’m stuck on this ride with you but I still have never felt more lost. I’ve been on the greatest roller coaster with you but I’m scared the ride will stop soon.